Being In Love With A Fictional Character
by Long Live Madara's Hair
Summary: No matter what I do, I can't get a certain Naruto character out of my head. The only thing I wish for, the only one I want. It's stupid, I know. But that's not the saddest part. The worst of it is... I can't make him real.


First of all, let me warn you that before you read on, you should know that this is going to get really depressing. If you're prone to depression and self-destructive thoughts, maybe you should click the back button on your browser. WARNING: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

* * *

><p>So here's how it goes. I watched Naruto some eight months ago and gradually and surely I developed a crush on one of the characters. When I finished all the episodes available three months later I realised how much I cared for that certain character. I thought it was just a temporary obsession that would die. But as time passed, it didn't fade. In fact, as each day went by, it only got stronger and stronger…<p>

Before you start scoffing me or bashing me or calling me an idiot, let me tell you I don't care. Because you know what? I understand exactly where you're coming from. For Christ's sake I used to bash myself too. I had a firm grip on reality. I was a perfectly normal, sane person. I had a normal childhood, a normal life. And then I changed. And then everything changed.

I am not the sort of person to stick pictures on my possessions or massive posters on my walls of my favourite character. I am not the sort of person to go around telling everyone how obsessed I am. I am not the sort of person to scream and squeal every time my favourite character appears on screen. Nope, I hate that fangirlish crap. I'm a tomboy. In fact, I haven't printed out a single picture. If you look in my room… there's no trace of my ever being obsessed with this character. I'm good at hiding things, even my emotions. Not a soul knows. Except you, now that you're reading this.

So why divulge this secret? Who knows? Let's just say my curiosity controls me. I like to find out things. Like… how people will react to stuff. Get the hint?

So who's this character, who is it? Why should I care about someone who isn't real? Well, obviously I know the answer to the first question. But you, sorry, frankly I'm too embarrassed to tell you who it is. So you'll just have to guess. But maybe I'll just say, it isn't Naruto. And it isn't Sasuke. Especially not Sasuke. Now for the second question, why should I care about a 2D person that's just a fucking drawing? Well, I'm still working on that. The only reasons I have so far, are because of his personality, and well, his philosophy. I'll leave it at that.

Okay, but so what? Why would you get so obsessed? Truth is, I've never met a person that could inspire me and change me so much in my life the way this character has. I've never met someone with so much wisdom, someone that could really make me think long and hard about deep issues, big questions, whose answers I can apply to my life in this world. Yeah, as far as I know, I'm not obsessed with this character's looks, or sex appeal, or any other material shit. If you want my opinion on sex, I'll just tell you I don't really care for that. And I don't think this character does either.

I might go so far as to say I love him. Like, being IN LOVE, not infatuation, not obsession, but love. You know, pure love, that shit. Love that's emotional, psychological, okay add some physical, and I don't want to say the word because it's so corny, but it fits perfectly, so _spiritual_. Now don't give me any shit about religion or whatever because religion and spirituality are two completely different things. Everyone associates them together like how they associate hope with light, but the two things are completely different. Besides, I'm not religious, and I don't think I ever will be. And I'm not a spiritualist guru or whatever who travels to the astral plane. I don't even know if I believe in stuff like that.

So basically, I love this character for stupid sounding lovey reasons like, 'To be one with him'. All right get those dirty images out of your head, you know who you are.

* * *

><p>Now, here's a journal entry I wrote some nights ago.<p>

_(Insert name of character)… my god, my soul. I am so happy to be just like you… so happy. Down in the depths of my heart the only one I yearn for. The only one that will ever fill the void in me. I realise now that I no longer speak of us in the darkness, in hate, in turmoil. I speak of you from love, and love alone._

_I've stopped talking about darkness. Perhaps it was a pit, and now I've taken you with me out of it. Ha, taken you out of the darkness? I wish. Oh I only wish I had the chance to try. But I guess I'm stuck in this reality huh. But gotta love that at least I found you in the first place. If I hadn't… I'd still be so empty. I still wouldn't know myself._

_This is a new phase, a phase where I carry you in my heart forever… the rest of my life. Our romance… never existed… but… in my heart, it does._

* * *

><p>Now isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard? Aren't you thinking, fuck, are there really people like this? Well wake up, yes these people exist. Why? Because they don't have a life? Maybe. Except, I have a life. The only thing is, there is no one that inspires me. I'm the one that's always inspiring people. I'm the one teaching people about things, getting them to think about life. Naturally, I myself need someone to teach me too. But wait, wouldn't that be <em>Kishi<em> since he created the show? Well, no. Kishi doesn't really portray the character in the way I see him. But doesn't that mean I've twisted the character's image to my interpretation? Well, maybe, but what can you do when you don't know the full back story of a character? You have to deduce things. Right or not, who cares. An idealised image is better than a stinted image that's simple, boring and incomplete. Interpret that how you like.

* * *

><p>Here's another something I wrote when I was convinced I loved him.<p>

_I swear my life on it… I have no doubt now that I am indeed in love with him. Totally, completely. No one in this great wide world will satiate my desire, my lust, my emotional lust, my soul's lust, to be with him. There is not a person on this planet that will gratify that desire. That is the sad fate to which I have bound myself to. Nothing else, apart from him, really pulls at my heart the way my yearning for him does. What a tragic life. A life that will NEVER be content, its dreams unfulfilled, its mind numb. A heart that beats for the one non-existing, for a lie, for something which cannot become reality. How sad can you get? How hopeless can it be? For no matter what, there is NO WAY to make him real._

* * *

><p>WAKE UP! FUCK MAN, WAKE UP! <em>THIS<em> IS REALITY, _THIS_ IS WHERE YOU LIVE. IT'S NOT HEALTY TO LIVE LIKE THIS. GET A _REAL_ BOYFRIEND, GO GET A _REAL_ LIFE FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Tell you what, SHUT THE FUCK UP and go to hell. There's only ONE ideal image in my mind. And as no one in this bloody world's the same, no one on this bloody fucking planet will be exactly like him.

SO WHAT? YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?

HELL YEAH, YOU FOOL! Now get off my back!

JEEZ, YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID, YOU'RE REALLY FUCKED UP.

Hell yeah! My entire life feels like a dream anyway. Every morning when I wake up, I feel like my life is a haze and my whole reality is just one big, long, fucking dream that never ends. When I sleep, I feel like I'm waking up, and returning to the real world!

GOD YOU'RE FUCKED UP.

HELL YEAH!

Who else thinks this entire reality is just one big fucking illusion? No one? That's how great the education system is. It's all brainwashing, I tell ya. We're so fixated on, OH THIS IS REALITY, THIS IS THE REAL WORLD!That's the perfect defence for hiding the true nature of this world, if you believe such things. SO MANY PEOPLE can't even fathom the possibility that this world might just be an illusion, or one dimension in an entire realm of dimensions. So where do I stand? Well, I'm on the fence. I'm open to the phrase, _anything is possible_, and let's leave it at that.

So, what's this got anything to do with being in love with a fictional character? Well, heaps. The entire nature of reality and illusion, reality and fiction. Remember Itachi's quote when he was talking to Sasuke? He said, _"In order to survive, we cling to all we know and understand. And we label it reality. But knowledge and understanding are ambiguous. That reality could be an illusion. All humans live with the wrong assumptions."_ (Shippuuden 136). He was talking about Sasuke's disbelief of Madara Uchiha being alive. If you think about it, the quote's very true. It relates directly to the nature of human knowledge and perception.

Okay, enough philosophy. I was only arguing why it's not that stupid to be so attached to a fictional character. _Reality_ is a word that means nothing. I'm not implying that this character really exists, because like I said, I'm still on the fence and I really don't know anything. And most likely, neither do you. Mindfucked? Deal with it, **people know nothing**.

* * *

><p>Here's the final thing I wrote before I committed suicide. No matter how much I tried to persuade myself of the possibility of his existence, I just couldn't believe it. It's the worst of my depression. Again READ AT YOUR RISK.<p>

_Every day. Every fucking day. Never ends. I wish, I really wish… I could end this life. I am so discontented, so unsatisfied, nothing makes my life worth living. Nothing at all in this world. I want to sink into nothingness and vanish, I want to become a speck of dust. I want nothing more than to have this existence robbed from me. I want someone to take my life._

_You know what? I want HIM to take it. I'm begging for death right now. Please, please, please. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to disappear, someone come and kill me. Please kill me. I've had enough of this mental torture. Day after day after day. FUCK man. I can't stand it. Throw acid on me. Corrode me. Come on, taint those hands of yours, take my soul. Maybe, in death, I will be with him. Maybe, just maybe, he'll be waiting for me there. Nevertheless, maybe I will get to meet him… I only want THAT._

_To end this life is to start the next journey. If there is no next journey so be it. What have I missed? Growing old… even more pain day after day. I don't know how much more I can take. I really do want to die. But I don't want to hurt people. If I had no family… if I didn't care at all… I think… I would seriously end my wretched life. You fear death? No, not me. I want it. I can't have it, just like how I want you, but can't have you. _

_My life is going into the dump. Because there is no point in living, and there is no getting out of it. Perhaps, I can live the rest of my life in zombie mode. Perhaps then it will pass quicker. _

_Ow, this pain, this horrible pain, tearing at my heart, slicing it up, ripping me to shreds. Every day. Only one can save me. Only one. The only one. The one impossible._

_God I am numb. I am numb and my heart is a stone, hard as rock. But inside, it's completely hollow. Devoid of any happiness, any trace of it. _

_Darkness has taken me. For good. Darkness – it's killing me but I need it. It's torturing me but I want it. It's sapping the life out of me. I hate the darkness. I hate it so much. Because of this suffering, this pain. But then, I am drawn to it like nothing else. Deep down, perhaps I love how it's killing me. How this impossible love is killing me._

_Because really, I have become the darkness. I am light, turned dark. How can you be attracted to something that tortures you? Why? I guess I'm a sadist. The pain of this suffering, the agony I endure… it is so beautiful, the most beautiful thing imaginable._

_It hurts so, so much. It squeezes my heart until the vessels pop and blood splatters everywhere. I hate feeling like this, I really hate it. But this love… it is so tragic, so beautiful, I cannot give it up. I cannot let go of him. I don't want to. _

_It's driven me into despair, into insanity. In the middle of the night I walk to the kitchen. I take out the sharpest, largest knife I can find. Then I sneak out of the house. I walk to the nearest park, stand in the middle of the grassy field. The view is beautiful here, the suburban lights shining, twinkling. But not beautiful enough to make me stay. I take out the knife and think about what I am about to do. I think about my family. It's completely selfish, but I'm beyond caring. I think about him, and I am excited. _

_The only thing I can do now, is die and hope to join him. If it doesn't happen, so be it, at least this pain will end. If it does happen, and I join him, he will make me suffer. The pain will continue, but that doesn't matter. As long as I can be with him, as long as I can exist in the same world as him, that is the only thing I care about. _

_I smile as I plunge the knife deep into the flesh of my heart._


End file.
